The Messy Art of Living

Apr 17, 2025

Break

You dandelion
You blister
Shake the shit off
It’s what?
It’s the whispers
Feed your self-doubt
If you wish
You will wither
Fuck the self-loathing
It’s wispy
It’s worthless
Wear your clothes
Like you’re worthy
You’re worth it
Grow the fuck up
You’ve got this
You did it
Unfuck yourself
It’s worth it
You’ll live

You dandelion

I’m not steel & I’m not concrete. I’m a dandelion. I’m fragile & bendy. I’m stubborn. People stomp on me and I pop back up anyways. I break through the cracks. I get up again and again and again, even when it hurts. Especially when it hurts.

I’m autistic, probably bipolar, definitely not neurotypical. My head is a fucking circus. I’ve done things I’m not proud of. I’ve made mistakes that felt catastrophic. I’ve found trouble so many times. I’ve let my problems consume me, over and over. And then I’ve drug myself back out, every time, usually by the skin of my teeth.

I used to think asking for help made me weak and I refused to do it, for so long. Eventually life forced me to learn otherwise. At times in my life I’ve had no choice but to rely on other people. The first few times felt like I was swallowing glass. Now, it’s at least somewhat manageable. Growth hurts.

Blisters

Life is friction. It leaves marks. Caring deeply about anything means accumulating scars. I’ve been blistered by my own decisions, by misunderstandings, by my brain working against me, and sometimes by other people just being assholes. It sucks in the moment, but I’ve come to respect the blisters. I see them as proof that I’m still trying, feeling, & pushing forward.

None of my growth has happened in a comfort zone. It’s been messy and uncomfortable. It’s been forcing myself into situations I desperately wanted to avoid. The kinds of situations your anxiety screams at you to run from. Nonetheless, I went through it and came out the other side. I’ve always emerged a little stronger, a lot wiser, and sometimes fundamentally changed.

Worthiness

Most days, self-doubt still taps me on the shoulder, whispering to me that I’m a fraud. I don’t belong where I am. People see through me.

It feels real and so very heavy. But I’ve learned (through growth) that self-doubt is flimsy. It’s thin air shaped like a wall and it falls apart the moment I push on it.

I remind myself that worthiness doesn’t come from others validating me. It’s a quiet confidence that is imperfect. It’s a worn-in feeling, I know I’ve been here before and I know I’ll be okay, no matter what.

I exist how I want, and as a consequence I own the decisions I’ve made. I remind myself, sometimes gently, sometimes firmly, that I’m allowed to take up space. I’m worth the air I breathe and the effort it takes to keep going.

Growing Up

I hate the dismissive way people treat you when they think you’re childish. I always hated it and I always wanted to escape it badly, so I made myself seem like more of an adult than I was. Shit, I still do, sometimes.

But that’s not exactly growing up. It’s kind of growing up, it’s part of it I guess, but the real experience is raw and painful. It consists mostly of stepping through discomfort.

You’ve gotta face yourself — your limitations and your insecurities. Like head on, not side-eyeing them and hoping they will go away. You must fully accept who you are and what you’ve done, and own it all without diminishing your accomplishments or blaming others for your mistakes. It’s a delicate dance of balance, like everything else.

I’ve done so many things I never imagined doing, on both sides of the coin. I’ve stretched myself way beyond my emotional, professional, and personal limits. Every single time I do that, it feels newly impossible. It feels like I will simply tear apart. But here I am.

Worth it

Life throws plenty of obstacles without you creating your own. Gently remove the ones you can control. Clear out the clutter in your head. Dust yourself off, shake out the self-loathing, and remind yourself it’s okay to keep going. It’s okay to get back up. It’s okay to forgive yourself.

There’s always a choice: hold onto the bullshit that drags you down, or let it fall away. Unfuck yourself, piece by piece. It certainly is not painless, but it’s always worth the effort.

You will stumble. You will doubt yourself. It will feel impossible. The simple act of continuing, even reluctantly continuing, means you’re doing it. Keep pushing. You can only live by living.

About the Author

Sam Hilsman is the CEO of CloudFruit® & HiiBo. If you want to invest in HiiBo or oneXerp, reach out. If you’re interested, join the waitlist for HiiBo!